Where It (Sort of) All Started

I’ll start by sharing the moment when I knew I was suffering from severe depression again. Not that I didn’t have symptoms before, but this was a defining moment, one of those I can look back on and say, yes, it was then, it was most definitely and clearly there and very present.

It happened this past Summer, during my favorite time of year. I was otherwise doing okay, I think. It’s a bit blurry, as most things are for me. But I had seen a doctor for a cough. Long story short, they did X-rays and found some kind of anomaly. The doctor actually asked if I had ever been shot, which was funny to me. Apparently the spot on my lung kind of looked like scar tissue from something like that. So, I had to have a CT scan. Following this news I became obsessed with getting the test done and finding out the results. Normal for me, as I kind of fixate on these sort of things. It took time, what felt like a very long time, to get the results. So for days I worried about things like the insurance pre-approval, the scheduling of the test, the CT scan itself and then…the results. This seemed like to me and possibly was, fairly normal behavior for a person who has been told they have a concerning spot on their lung.

My husband picked up the results the day they were ready and called me with them, which he thought was being really helpful, but inside I actually wanted to do it myself and to see the report tangibly, in my own uncertain hands. He called and said something like, “It’s all good. You’re fine, nothing to worry about.” I wanted details and he gave me what he could and then brought the report to me later in the day. But right then, after the phone call, I started to cry. I cried not for relief, but in sadness and grief.

After mulling it over I realized, I wanted to die. I actually wanted this spot to be cancer. I wanted an illness to take me out and for it not to be my fault.

Who thinks that? Who in their right mind wants to have cancer?  Well, it turns out, me, as I was obviously not in my right mind.

*I’m adding this post to the #Iwouldliketo linky on And 1 More Makes 3. Muddle on over and check it out!*